Chris the Biceps Redfield
by RenegadeZabuzaMomochi
Summary: Chris Redfield is a B.S.A.A. agent and is on his way to Africa to apprehend a bio-terrorist. On his way, he meets Sheva Alomar and they discover things the world shouldn't be exposed to. But will Chris' muscles get in the way of everything?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: ** I do not own the Resident Evil franchise.

Chapter One.

It was hot. It had been a painful three years to the legendary Chris Redfield. One of the "Original Eleven" found members of the Bio-terrorism Security Assessment Alliance, otherwise known as the B.S.A.A. He was a field operative, and since the apparent demise of his old partner and friend, he preferred to work alone althought he would be reluctantly paired with a newbie.

"I think I'm getting old for this," Chris says to him as he drives the H2 Hummer to his destination to meet his new partner.

Chris Redfield was among the surviving S.T.A.R.S. members that escaped the fate of Racoon City. He still had his old uniform but he lost his modified Beretta 92F dubbed the Samurai Edge. He remembers what it was like being a S.T.A.R.S. officer. He remembers the horrors he underwent. He remembers fighting Tyrant and being betrayed by his commanding officer- Albert Wesker. Since the betrayal, he had been on a hunt for Albert Wesker. It was a personal vendetta and the hatred was fueled even more when he attempted to kill his baby sister, Claire Redfield, another survivor of the wipe-out of Racoon City. But that was the least of his problems. Chris reached his destination and turned off the SUV. He was about to step out, but he got stuck. His biceps ended up getting in the middle of his way out.

"What the fu-- DAMN IT ALL! Okay... you put your right hand in... you put your right hand out... oh, wait. How did I get in the Hummer again? Something about row-row your boat? Give me a moment..." Chris mutters to himself.

A woman, approximately standing at five feet seven inches approached Chris Redfield. She appeared to be of African descent, but unlike the locals, she seemed dressed for urban and tactical investigations. She had numerous piercings on her ears, and her clothing was proper to fit the weather conditions of Kijuju.

"Welcome to Africa. I'm Sheva Alo... mar," she introduces herself as she watches Chris Redfield struggling to get out of the H2 Hummer. She watched him doing stupid manuevers to get out of the vehicle but it seems as fate is being a cruel mistress to him. He even ended up getting his legs stuck in the vehicle.

"GOD DAMN IT! WHY THE HELL ARE THESE HUMMERS SO SMALL?!" Chris complains.

"Maybe you should try going out side-ways?" Sheva suggested.

"Oh, right. Thanks." Chris turned his body to the side and slipped out of the Hummer. He slammed the door rather hard and the window shattered. Chris furrowed his eyebrows and began stomping his foot, rambling about not paying off the Hummer and not having insurance, even though the Hummer was personally handed to him by the B.S.A.A.

"You okay?" Sheva asks, a bit intimidated at Chris Redfield punching dents into the vehicle.

"Huh, what? Oh. Hey. Hey! You speak English!" Chris smiled.

"Uh, yeah. I'm Sheva Alomar," Sheva reintroduces herself to Chris.

"Hey, Shiva. Chris Redfield," he says, extending his hand out to shake hers. Sheva looks at it cautiously, obviously afraid of her delicate hands being crushed.

"It's Sheva."

"That's what I said. Shiva."

"No, Sheva."

"Shiva."

"Sheva."

"Shiva."

"SHE-VA."

"YEAH, SHIVA!" Chris shouted.

"All right, all right! Shiva! It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Redfield. It's an honor." Sheva takes Chris' hand and shakes it, and surprisingly, they shook hands without Sheva's breaking.

"Just Chris, thanks. So you'll be accompanying me to the destination?"

"Yes. Tensions are running high ever since the change of new government. George W. Bush is planning to ransack Kijuju and Obama is considering a counter-measure."

"I'll bet. Intel says it's a haven for terrorists now."

"And they're not going to be happy to see an American, B.S.A.A. or not. That's why I'm your partner. To help with an ease." Sheva walks away nonchalantly. She had to walk away from Chris for she was blushing at how rugged and handsome, and not to mention how muscular he appears. That, and she really doesn't want to see what happens if Chris Redfield rips out his shirt and turns green all of a sudden.

"I'm sure you'll do just fine... partner," Chris says to himself when he caught himself say "partner." You see, he lost Jill three years ago. And since then, he lost the will to bench press nine-hundred pounds while leg curling six-hundred. He doesn't even eat HOOAH! bars anymore.

"Y-you o-okay?" Sheva asks out of concern for the sake of both of them.

"Huh? Oh. Yeah, sorry, it's nothing. Let's go."

"S-sure..."

"So what's this about a check-point? I didn't bring my passport."

"Don't worry, I'll handle everything."

More and more, he finds himself wondering if it's all worth fighting for. Maybe one day, Chris Redfield will find out. Chris and Sheva reach the outer walls of the shanty towns and they are stopped by a muscular African guard. The guard eyes Sheva up and down with eyes filled with seething hate. Chris clenches his jaws and balls his fists in case he needs to deliver a can o' ass-whoopin'.

"What the hell, Sheva? No call? I thought we had something special, yo'!" the guard begins yelling and crying at the same time.

"Uh... who are you again?" Sheva asks nervously.

"I'm Shaq!"

"The basketball player?"

"No, I'm Shaqaq O'Quack! I thought we shared something special... remember that one night we had together?"

"One night together? When I kept beating your ass in Mercenaries Reunion?"

"Yeah."

"... You make it sound like we had a fling. And we only met once! Well, unless you're not counting right now."

"The most precious moment of my life!"

"Urgh, just let us through."

"Oh, right. Welcome to Africa, Chris." Shaqaq O'Quack saluted Chris Redfield after patting Sheva up and down, hoping to cope a feel but Chris punched his face and sent him flying into the sky. "TEAM ROCKET IS BLASTING OFF AGAAAAIIIN!"

"How did he know my name?" Chris asked out of curiosity.

"Dude, look at the big name tag on your shirt. Plus, you stick out like a sore thumb here. What's with the zebra stripe shirt and pants?"

"I felt like going safari." Chris smiled.

"... Right. Safari Chris."

The doors opened and Chris inhaled, and then exhaled. He didn't want to hyperventilate because he developed a serious case of Badonkadonkaphobia. He doesn't even know why he calls claustrophobia that. Maybe because he hasn't had sex since Jill willingly sacrificed herself to kill Wesker and save Chris' life. Instead, he got stuck listening to songs from Air Supply at night and masturbating to pictures of Jill. Just like old times, when both were in S.T.A.R.S. together and before Chris became so herculean to the point where Jill couldn't resist herself. Sheva and Chris entered the shanty towns.

"Chris to Kirk. We've reached the area. Can you hear us, Kirk?"

"JESUS IS LOVE!"

"What the..." Sheva raised an eyebrow.

"I think we accidentally switched to Kirk Cameron's radio frequency. Kirk, this is Chris. Can you hear us?"

"Read you loud and clear, Chris. Go ahead and meet the informant at the butcher shop. Alpha Team is waiting for you."

"All right, Kirk. Heading over to the butcher shop," Sheva responds.

"Who the hell is this?"

"That's Shiva, Kirk." Chris winks and gives a thumbs up to Sheva.

"The Final Fantasy summon?" Kirk asks.

"No. She's black."

"Hey!" Sheva protests.

"Well, you're African, aren't you, Shiva?"

"No, not that! I'm not a Final Fantasy summon!"

"Oh, you mean Sheva Alomar. Good luck, Chris. Kirk out."

"Well, that was a bit racist. Sorry, Shiva."

"What's racist?"

"Me calling you black."

"So? You're white. I just don't want to be called a Final Fantasy summon. Plus, I'm a native of Africa. Where am I going to be throwing icicles? My hand? My butt? ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME! YOU'RE ALL FULL OF SHIT! EVEN LEON KENNEDY! I HATE MEN!" Sheva sobbed.

"Hey! HEY! Calm down! Shhh, I'm here. It's okay, Shiva." Chris hugged Sheva and comforted her as much as he can. Sheva sobbed on Chris' clothes and he could feel the tears going through the material of his clothing touching his steel-hard pecs. "Everything is going to be okay, Shiva! WE'LL GET THROUGH THIS! WE CAN TRUST MEN ONCE MORE!"

"O... kay. You... can... let go... NOW!" Sheva tried escaping Chris' grasp.

"Oh, sorry."

"Sheesh. And what do you mean by 'we'?" Sheva raised an eyebrow.

"Huh? Oh, that. I meant you. I got caught up in the moment."

"Riiight. Anyway, wouldn't you rather be back in America than a place like this?"

"Not necessarily. Not every American is too fond of their country, especially the stupidity ratio escalating to the point where Mensa is on a ground alert. It's a capitalist society. You win, someone else loses. And at what cost?"

"You don't sound like any other American I've met."

"That's a great thing about us Americans. We're all different."

"... And you're dead sexy..." Sheva whispers.

"Not to mention the diverse selection of those morons who claim they're 'true' Americans. We came from Europe."

"... you're dead sexy..."

"Then again, we can consider Native Americans true Americans."

"... I want to rub my boobs on your biceps..."

"What?"

"Huh?"

"What did you say?"

"Nothing."

"Ahhh... Chris Redfield... go around to the corner..." Reynard informed Chris and Sheva.

Sheva and Chris went around the butcher shop. Sheva was actually behind him, watching how his naturally flexed triceps showed perfectly. She pondered what the shirt was hiding. Maybe a huge set of abs, a giant set of pecs... and maybe a dumb tattoo of Spongebob.

"Hrm... I wonder what the lower half holds..." Sheva pondered.

"HIYAH!" Chris kicked down the door and it slammed the butcher who happens to be their informant. "OH, SHIT! DUDE, WHAT HAPPENED?!" Chris rushed to the butcher who was completely flattened by the awesome power applied to the door from his monster kick. Sheva sweat-dropped.

"You're such a dick, Chris." Sheva furrowed her eyebrows at him.

"Hey, it's not my fault!" Chris protested.

"Yes, it kind of is." Sheva folded her arms.

"Kind of? It IS his fault! Anyway. You two, this way. It may be a change in the new government but the people here are a little on edge. You should do what you came here to do and go home." Reynard led them to a weapons attache case.

"Yeah, they really roll the red carpet for us Americans." Chris scoffed. And farted. He scoffed to cover his fart but it was loud anyway. And it obviously smelled because Reynard hurled over to puke and Sheva closed her nose. Chris looked left and right and started fanning his... fanny.

"I have your weapons here. Check them." Reynard pointed at the attache case. He still had some vomit smothered on his mouth and apron.

Chris grabbed the case but accidentally broke the handle. Sheva slapped her forehead and Chris just ripped the damn thing apart. A pair of handguns fell down with a few extra magazine clips as well as a utility belt and a utility vest that held a MercWorx Goliath knife. Sheva and Chris had to pick up their inventory from the ground because Chris had to rip the case into pieces. Sheva and Reynard didn't even think that it was even possible to rip apart a titanium suitcase by man. Then again, there were rumors that Chris Redfield had run ins with boulders. After equipping themselves with the proper gear and Chris getting rid of his "Safari Chris" attire, Sheva looks to Reynard while Chris looked at Sheva's breasts, pretending to fix his handgun. Little did Chris know was that Sheva knew he was ogling her and she smirked and blushed.

"Destination coordinates?"

"Square town is up ahead. Alpha Team is waiting at the deal location."

"Good."

"What do you know about Uroboros?" Reynard ask in a dark tone. That caught Chris' attention.

"Mostly just rumors. Something about visions of a doomsday project and having similar names with a Devil May Cry opposition."

"Doomsday sounds about right and apparently, it is no rumor."

"You are KIDDING, right?" Sheva asked in disbelief. She made it out like she was in complete shock but she wanted an excuse to jump up so her bosom can bounce. Now THAT caught Chris' attention.

"I need to go take a dump. You two... be careful out there." And with that, Reynard left to the bathroom. Chris and Sheva looked at each other.

"Well, it's just you and me again. I wonder if all of the residents here are evil," Chris pondered. "I think we're in Resident Evil."

"... What?"

"Nothing. Just had a weird thought in mind. Come on." Chris walked up to a few crates and wooden barrels and smashed them with his fists instead of his knife. He found ammo and gold. "Awesome! We can buy drinks at that vendor I saw earlier."

"... Wow, and this happens to be the legendary Chris Redfield I heard about. What a douche."

"All right, remember this: We're a team, we stick by together and we'll get things through," Chris told Sheva as he began to exit the butcher shop.

"Don't worry, I may not be as BIG as you but I can..."

"OH, SHIT! I'M STUCK!"

"... hold out on my own..."

Chris got stuck in between the door way and now he's kicking his legs, trying to release himself.

"HQ, this is Sheva. I think we might need some lubricants. Chris Redfield just got stuck..."

"DAMN IT ALL!"

_**Will Chris and Sheva be able to continue their mission? Stay tuned and find out.**_

**AN:** Don't get me wrong; I like Chris Redfield. I just thought it'd be fun to take him away from his serious attitude and poke humor at his musculature. Reviews will be flattering but they're not necessary. Flames will warrant a roundhouse kick to your face.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two.

"Chris? Chris? Hey, Chris, you awake?" Sheva kept poking Chris on the head with a giant "VOTE FOR SHEVA, 2011 PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!" doll. "Great. He really does ignore politics."

It had been two stinkin' hours since Chris got his ass stuck in between the doors after gearing up. I mean, who the hell would have thought that had happened almost immediately? He seemed to be walking through all the doors perfectly fine, but then again, there's always been reports of having no survivors whenever he walked down a street. It's believed they made that into a Chuck Norris joke.

Chris was trapped. He couldn't even reach down and call for help because his hand couldn't reach his pocket. The dumbass also didn't switch batteries for his battery pack for his headset because he spent the night prior listening to George Lopez make crack jokes about his mother. He even said, "Your mother" in his sleep. Sheva raised a 'brow and shrugged. As for Sheva? She was too busy fixing her nails and that seemed more important than getting Chris out.

"Wait. He's asleep. I wonder how his lower half looks now..."

Sheva eyed Chris curiously and looked down at his cargo pants. She saw a huge bulge and she grabbed it. She immediately dug in his pocket and took out a giant banana, peeled it, then ate it. After she was curious if he had food, she suddenly got interested in the size of his... Donkey Kong. She went for the zipper but the mammoth turned to the side, kicked Sheva, sent her flying across the world three times within four seconds and caused the entire building to collapse on him. He was still asleep.

"WHAT THE HELL, MAN!" Sheva grumbled. She got up and dusted herself, then looked at Chris. The dude was still asleep, snoring louder than when dump trucks routinely pick up the garbage. Sheva growled and stomped the ground, and that jolted Chris.

"HUH. Whoa, what happened! It's like Hurricane Katrina just zipped past Kijuju!" Chris' eyes were wide from the catastrophic disaster that was his biceps.

"At least you got out."

"Eh? Oh, hey, Shiva."

"I told you, it's... nevermind. Let's get going."

"Okay."

Chris dusted himself off and equipped his M92. He led the way, shot at the carrions, picked up the gold, smashed several things for absolutely no reason, picked up a herb, smoked it, and was about to play poker when Sheva grabbed his ear and reminded him of the mission. The two heard a scream from a building and they just stood there.

"What was that?" Sheva asked.

"I think a political debate is happening. All right, I'm off, see you on Monday."

"Chris, get back here."

"AND WHY SHOULD I?" Chris yelled, sticking his chest out and he slammed his fist on it. This caused a massive shockwave that nearly destroyed the exact opposite of the world. So instead of people dying in around four thousand years from now, people are expected to die in 2012.

"Um. Because you're supposed to destroy your arch-rival and rescue your former partner but end up having steamy interracial sex with me."

"Oh yeah. What was that last part, though?"

"Oh, you're supposed to buy me an internal hard-drive for my PC." Sheva wiped the sweat off her forehead as she covered up. Chris may be legendary but not exactly bright as others depict him to be...

"Ah."

Chris put on a serious face and was about to head off to the location of the scream when...

"MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN! SURROUND THE PARAMETER!" Sixteen B.S.A.A. soldiers began entering the area followed by a giant eighteen wheeler that seemed to haul a giant tank filled with butter.

"DON'T WORRY, AGENT REDFIELD! WE GOT YOU!" One of them slapped Chris on the forehead and went into a crouching position with his assault rifle as more surrounded him. Chris punted him just for being that stupid. Hey, you can't fight stupidity with stupidity.

"UNLOAD THE BUTTER!" Dan DeChant called for the driver. Chris walked up to him.

"What the hell, Dan?" Chris was gritting his teeth angrily.

"Don't worry, sir. We got here just in time. We'll get you out of the door." Captain DeChant gave him an award-winning smile and you could have sworn hot air was blowing from below. DeChant even paid homage to Marilyn Monroe by doing that one scene.

"I think he's okay, DeChant." Sheva was a bit shaky because all of the B.S.A.A. soldiers pointed their weapons at her and Chris looked like he was ready to rip off their balls.

"STAY OUT OF THIS, WE GOT HIM!"

"I'm okay, dude," Chris said blankly. DeChant and the others looked at Chris with a beat down face and started walking away in defeat.

"It's all right, we get it..." Dan said in a sad tone. Sheva could have sworn he was about to cry.

"... Yeah." Sheva shook her head and was about to walk the stairs, but...

"FOUND YOU!" Wesker jumped out of nowhere in a Peewee Herman suit except he wore heart-shaped sunglasses that had pink frames.

"Wesker!" Chris shouted. Chris lunged at him with a massive fist and surrounding that fist was an enormous typhoon. You would think Wesker would be sucked into that but the bastard just dodged it.

"Hah!"

"You're not escaping this time, Wesker! KAAA-MEEE-HAAA-MEEE!" Chris started channeling ki into his hands which were fixed into the proper stance but Jill jumped out of nowhere in her battle suit. Or at least they thought it was Jill.

"Where's that bitch, Anna?"

"Wrong game, chick." Sheva pointed to the door that read NAMCO.

"Oh, thanks. See you in another crossover." Nina Williams saluted Sheva and Sheva sat down on a crate with a box of Pocky.

"Wesker! We're too early for this part of the story!" Jill shouted from the building the two agents were supposed to be at. She was wearing her Resident Evil 3 outfit.

"Oh, damn! Sorry, Chris, but we can't play today." Wesker pushed up his heart-shaped sunglasses and dashed to where Jill was at.

"FUCK YOU, YOU NERDY BASTARD!" And with that, Chris flipped him the bird.

"Indeed." And with **that**, Wesker mooned Chris.

"GET THAT WIGGER!" Chris pointed a finger at him while leaning forwards, striking a pose. And for whatever reason, an army fan girls started chasing Wesker with badly rendered fan art of every Resident Evil character besides Irving as their weapons. Their exaggerated cries forced Wesker to flee, leaving Jill catching up very slowly. And since Jill can't dash like he does, she was run over by them.

"Are we done here?" Sheva sighed, not really interested in what happened. She had finished two boxes of Pocky because there was a convenient store nearby. So that probably explains why it's called a convenient store.

"Oh yeah. WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?" Chris withdrew his pistol and ran up the steps. Sheva stared at him blankly.

"Oh, so only NOW you notice?" Sheva caught up with him. They opened the door and... it didn't turn to be exactly what they wanted...

"SHIT! MY PARENTS ARE HERE!" Chris and Sheva saw a female trying to cover herself up after she pushed the male off her.

"Uhhh..." Chris and Sheva looked at each other with confused faces.

"I'M SORRY, MR. AND MRS. BUNANSA!" The male stood up with his hands raised, dropping his boxers. Lo' and behold, it turned out to be Vaan from Final Fantasy XII. That pedo.

"Who the hell are they? And who the hell are you?" Chris pointed his handgun at Vaan's minigun.

"Hey! Who the fuck are you?" The female got up fully dressed, fixing her strawberry blonde hair. Something seemed familiar about them.

"I'm... Sheva Alomar? And this is Chris Redfield..." Sheva pointed at their name-tags. They really had nothing else to say to each other, even after the predictable tumbleweed passed by. Chris still pointed his gun at Vaan's plastic knife.

"SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER CROTCH YOUR PEACE! I MEAN, HOLD YOUR CROTCH! I MEAN, GRAB YOUR PEE! FUCK IT!" Chris punched the T.V. in the room which had softcore pornographic videos.

"... Yeah. Anyway, I'm Claire Bunansa. Just call me Lightning." The female greeted warmly as she extened her hand out, though she was still blushing.

"I see..." Sheva shook it albeit she was still cautious. "And you?"

"Vaan." He also extended his hand out and shook hands with Sheva.

"Ah, what the hell. I'm Chris Redfield." Chris grinned and was SUPPOSED to shake Lightning's hand but groped her instead.

"What the eff, man!" Lightning smacked Chris but her hand went numb. "What the eff times two!"

"Nice to meet you, Lightning." Chris turned over to Vaan and was SUPPOSED to shake his hand but...

"... uh..." Vaan looked down at his wiener being grabbed.

"Nice to meet you, Lawn."

"... it's Vaan..."

"That's what I said. Lawn."

"Vaan."

"Just let him have it, Vaan," Sheva told him before they got into a bloody war.

"Hell no! I'm straight!"

"I meant the fact he can't pronounce your name."

"Oh. It's nice to meet you, too? You can let go now."

"Okay. So what now?" Chris pulled his hand away from Vaan's junk and wiped the bacteria on Lightning's face.

"You are so gross, you know that?" Lightning gave Chris a scowl and was thinking about punching him but remembered what happened to her hand.

"Hey, you slept with the dude! You're worse than gross!" Chris argued.

"He does have a point." Sheva placed her thumb and pointer on her chin.

"At least I'm a girl! I can grab it!" Lightning spat at him. Literally. She launched a big ball of spit at his face.

"CHRIS, NO!" Sheva reached out for Chris, but was too late. Chris spat at Lightning but Vaan pushed her away, taking the hit. A large explosion was heard and it woke up the 'hood. The three of them looked at the giant wall and it seemed to have pierced numerous buildings.

"VAAN!" Lightning called for Vaan but got no reply. "He didn't even give me his phone number..."

"Oh well. Wait, the hell are we doing here?" Chris looked around, finding no evidence of the scream.

"I know, right? We were supposed to get to work, you jackass!" Sheva slapped the back of his head and to everyone's surprise, Chris actually got hurt.

"Hey! Ooouuuccchhh!" Chris rubbed the back of his head, twitching his eye. He looked at the two women who were in awe. "What?"

"... Nevermind. Let's go." Lightning led the way, diving out of the window.

"What are we, babysitters? Geeze." Sheva followed after, diving and rolling in a manner of fashion. She even posed after getting up like she did in the box-art for Resident Evil 5.

"JIRANIMO!" Chris jumped through and didn't break anything except for the innocent and harmless man who was passing by.

Chris got up and cleaned himself from all of the gunk he received from mindlessly destroying the bystander. The trio checked their surroundings and it was eerily quiet. Not even the predictable tumbleweed made a sound. Chris walked ahead of the team with a determined expression on his face while Sheva followed after but she was sneaking around so nobody bites her and assimilates her into Twilight. Lightning stood there for a while with a bizarre face but judging by her moaning, she may have orgasmed at the sight of Chris Redfield's musculature. Chris was going to motion to them that it was all clear for them go ahead, but somebody fired an arrow at his shoulder.

"What the fu-..." Chris turned around to see the lone Majini who shot him being joined by two other Majini. The one to his left pointed at the trio.

"GET THAT WIGGER!" The Majini had shouted that in Swahili but Sheva understood him.

"OH, MY GOD! RUN!" Sheva ran for the nearest safe point. Lightning didn't need to be told twice.

"Right after you! Babe- I mean, Chris! Hurry!" Lightning called out for Chris. The two girls looked at Chris fighting off the Majini, wave after wave. The guy took numerous dynamites but it didn't faze him. Sheva and Lightning stared in shock, and Lightning drooled a bit. Sheva turned to her with her fist on her hips.

"Babe?" Sheva raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry, force of habit."

"You say that to every guy you meet?"

"Just the hot ones." Lightning blushed.

"Suuure." Sheva winked at her.

"Hey, don't blame me! My mother was a rabbit! Literally! Sort of..." Lightning shyly squished the ground. Sheva could have sworn she seemed so familiar...

"... Right. Anyway, wanna' continue the mission?"

"What about Chris?" Lightning pointed at Chris dealing crazy damage to the swarm of them. Some tried crawling away but the following waves would push the fleeing Majini back to Chris.

"I think he's fine."

"Hell yeah, he is."

"No, I mean, he's good."

"Really? I thought he was just show and no action." Lightning seemed to have gotten excited by the little puns being made.

"No! I mean, he's better off by himself!"

"Oh, so he's asexual? I bet I can lure him in!" Lightning rubbed her hands with a naughty expression on her face. She was about to go nude but with the reminder of the enemies and the fact Sheva grabbed her made her change her mind.

"I meant he can take care of himself. Keep your hormones to yourself."

"Oh. Well, what's the mission?"

"Capture some half-Puerto Rican weapons dealer and get Wesker out of that Peewee suit."

"What the hell?"

"I know, right? The brochures lied to me!" Sheva got on her knees and began weeping. Lightning gave her a hug but after five minutes, it was plain obvious she wasn't comforting Sheva. "Uh, what are you doing..."

"You're so soft. I like that."

"Oh Lord. Get off!" Sheva pushed the poor girl to the ground and she was on the brink of crying. Sheva rolled her eyes at her and flashed her some. "Happy?"

"Very!" Lightning shrieked and got up, all giddy she saw an African woman's bonkers.

"You're bi?"

"I'm _experimental_," Lightning corrected.

"Kids these days."

Sheva and Lightning continued to head down to the assembly area in the shanty towns of Kijuju while talking about various women topics. Mostly politics and the heat for Sheva while Lightning spoke about everything related to sex. They stopped by to smoke a red and green herb, and started reflecting about life. Then the two revealed personal details about themselves.

"And when I turned fifteen, my parents died in an accident caused by a pharmacuetical company." Sheva was in tears, blowing her nose on the napkin while Lightning listened with a sad face.

"I'm so sorry you're black," Lightning offered. She began crying even more now.

"It's okay." Sheva tried wearing a smile.

"The first time I had sex with a guy, he left me for my younger sister. So everytime I see him, I punch him in the face. My parents still think I'm a virgin. They want me to join the military but I can't. I want to be a dominatrix." Lightning buried her face on her knees and began weeping heavily. Sheva leaned in to hug her.

"I'm so sorry you're white trash," Sheva said with the most sincerest tone. Then again, they just smoked herbs.

"Friends?" Lightning looked up to Sheva. Sheva smiled.

"Friends." Sheva shook her hand and they stared at each other. You would think they would actually kiss since they were leaning towards each other but Chris interrupted them.

"Hi, guys." Chris was standing a few feet with them with a giant McDonald's bag while enjoying a super deluxe Big Mac. "What's going on?"

"FOOD!" Sheva and Lightning said simultaneously, grabbing the bag from Chris. He didn't seem to mind because he had his own burger so he shrugged. He was covered in blood and he smelled like old man fart.

"I forgot what I was goin' to say..." Chris mumbled and urinated himself from thinking too much.

The trio spent nearly an hour just sitting around doing nothing. Well, Chris would look left to right and wonder where the smell of guts came from while Sheva and Lightning stared off into space. Chris spent the next five minutes picking his nose in hopes of finding the lost treasure of Atlantis. He managed to shovel a giant booger, smiled and flicked it randomly. He heard someone yell as if they were hit from the dried snot but was disinterested right away. He sat back down, and without a moment's hesitation, he started pulling numerous dance maneuvers because he heard Thriller being played. That caught the girls' attention and all three went to see what it was.

The three of them entered a house and saw a bunch of Majini being led by Michael Jackson who was on a derelict bus. They were all dancing, including Reynard. A giant Majini with an axe and mask was spinning around and grabbing his crotch. Then Michael Jackson stopped. He grabbed a giant microphone and Reynard was situated to be put to death. Lightning was about to scream but Sheva clamped her mouth. And Chris clamped his crotch.

"This man refused to go to my sleepovers so he is destined to die! I don't understand why people are so suspicious of me. I'm not even in the same room with the kids!" Michael Jackson looked at Reynard who was already in tears, not by his impending doom but by the way Michael Jackson started winding his arms like a rockstar.

"Kill him!" Majini shouted.

"Off with his head!" shouted the Red Queen.

"TO INFINITY! AND BEYOND!" shouted Buzz Lightyear. Everyone stared at him and wondered where the buffoon came from. But Chris put a cap on his ass.

"LOOK! INTRUDERS!" The large Majini with the axe pointed at the trio.

"KILL THOSE WIGGERS!" Michael Jackson ordered, and everyone ran after them.

"Oh, hell no..." Sheva groaned.

"I'm going to die!" Lightning screamed. She immediately tried jumping on Chris and hoped he'd catch her but he was already barricading the doors with shelves. "I don't wanna' die a virgin!"

"Yeah, right!" Sheva shouted at her, assisting Chris with the other side.

"Hey, it doesn't hurt to try." Lightning withdrew her gunblade and became prepared for battle.

"All right, now that I've properly set up the shelves, let's fight them off!" Chris roared and smashed through that breakable wall, easily defeating them save for Michael Jackson as he had already left the area.

"I thought we were..." Lightning began but Sheva placed her hand on her shoulder.

"Don't question Chris. Ever." Sheva followed Chris as he paved a path for them.

"Hot." Lightning smiled, skipping her cute little butt to the two agents.

"Hey, Kirk, where's my tacos!" Chris shouted to his headset which had miraculously started working again.

"Take cover!" Kirk shouted. A B.S.A.A. soldier fired an RPG-7 at the leftover Majini and it was all cleared.

"FUCK YOU, KIRK!" Chris flipped him off. Kirk thought Chris was waving at him, so he waved back. And Chris thought Kirk was mocking him, so Chris threw the dead Executioner Majini at Kirk, effectively destroying the gas tank. It forced the 'copter to lose control and start swaying around wildly. "These were MY kills! MINE!"

"You're such a crybaby, Chris. Sheesh." Lightning rolled her eyes at him.

"Oh, so only now you don't swoon over him?" Sheva raised a 'brow at her.

"Eh, so-and-so."

"Come on, team!" Chris waved at the two.

"Okay, here we go. So, where do we..." Sheva began but...

"DAMN IT ALL!"

"... go now..." Sheva slapped her foread as she saw Chris dangling between a door. Chris wasn't smart enough to open the door all the way or move the corpses.

"Should I...?" Lightning pointed at Chris, who was kicking in mid-air.

"No. He'll never learn. So I'm thinking spa."

"It's on, girlfriend."

"I hate you, Wesker!" Chris shouted at the top of his lungs you could have sworn he crapped himself. Or maybe he did.

Meanwhile...

"Bwuahahahahahaha! My plans are coming to fruition! Soon, even you will understand, Chris, and this world will make perfect sense!" Wesker sniggered in a Pink Space Ranger suit.

"Oh, for crying out loud!" Jill slapped Wesker and pointed to the exit. "Go to your room and think about what you've done!"

"Yes, Jill..." Wesker slumped sadly as he obeyed without question.

_**What will happen next? Stay tune and find out!**_

**AN:** If you're wondering, yes; it's Lightning from Final Fantasy XIII. And if you've read my previous story, Everybody Loves Balthier, you'll understand the character a little bit. I also love Lightning and I think she's an awesome character so I wanted to include her. Also, I'm not racist. Nor do I hate Michael Jackson. Read and review!


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